I told Mr. BCA that when I stayed home to raise our baby I would hopefully learn to relax and be more zen and laid back about things. It was exactly 5 years ago I finalized my divorce and was looking down the long tunnel of motherhood and contemplating what it would mean to be financially dependant on someone else for the first time in my life. I thought staying home with a baby would be this luxurious life where I learned how to enjoy being *alone with myself* and find some, like, inner peace or something. Well, I learned a lot. I learned not to judge other parents for turning on the tv or getting a babysitter or giving up and going back to work or weaning or generally hating men for not getting it. But it took me most of the last 5 years to get to a point like last weekend where I could actually stay home with my family and not feel guilty for not “doing something.” Yay, bring out the club soda, I can actually read a novel in a weekend again. Living here has been awesome for that reason alone: the mental quiet, the phone never ringing, no family to visit every weekend, no guilt. I can live like this. I am even beginning to feel like I have the energy to be something other than a mom on a regular basis. I am beginning to believe that I could use some time alone without regret.